Why? Answers for ToNow

Personally I like to keep most of my "real" life private; I try not to lie in my day-today life, but sometimes, I tell tall tales of my past adventures or wind people up with fanciful stories.

I have always wanted to be a respected, loved, and inspirational leader, a living example to both youth & other adults. I volunteer 26/8 - Twenty-Six hours a day, 8 days a week. I give my all. Not perfect, by any stretch, but I Do My Best, as I teach our youth to do in Life.

Last year, after a few years of dealing with some unknown medical conditions on my own, I decided to return to the VA clinics and doctors, most of whom I have never placed much faith in. Having been a patient of 3 Different VA Hospitals, 1 Clinic, VA Docs on a rotating schedule and not satisfied with their factory-like treatment of veterans; I was not eager to seek a their help or a diagnosis. Regrettably, I got what I asked for, the diagnosis; among other issues some spots on my lungs and some severe breathing problems were the issue along with a few other problem areas. 

These have not prevented me from taking part in scouting adventures or taking high adventure trips going where most folks don't ever get to see and having experiences most don't get to experience and, although sometimes short of wind, I persevered.

Recently I was put on medications as things are not improving. Still these things will not end me. Yes, I am curbing my smoking however there may be a link to the Oil Well Fires, Burn Pits, and other factors from Desert Storm. Still the smoking does not help. We will wait for the next doctor appointments & tests but I wanted to let you all know instead of keeping this private because I am out in the public as a Scout leader and as a member of our community.  I wanted everyone to know, when you sense or think there are changes in my behavior, well there is a reason.

If I seem to take longer. If I seem to be tired. If I am sleeping more than usual. If my memory is not the best. Please do not think it is me being lazy, or just getting old. I am dealing with these medical issues, please be understanding. I believe in never letting people see you sweat, so I will keep my spirits up, especially in front of our youth & most the world, but remember sometimes behind the clown make-up is the saddest person in the world.  I may be sad inside, but it is because this fight will be the fight for my life.  Please none of that "my sympathies" or "I just read, sorry to hear" kind of stuff.  If you have taken the time to read this, then you obviously care.  No need to verbalize it.  Next time we see each other, a little nod of the head, a gentle smile, a "I hope things are getting better for you"...that is fine.  But no sympathy.  No tears.  (As if) And please, let us just continue as normal, or as close to normal as you get with me.  BUT I wanted everyone to know so that even though I pretend your opinions of me do not bother me, I never want anyone to think I am lazy or putting forth less than my best effort.  Just right now, my best effort is not good enough by my standards.  Let us live in the ToNow, the Today Right Now...Tomorrow is never a guarantee.