My Lizzie Belle

Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda starred in a 1968 film called "Yours, Mine and Ours" which told the story of two people, each with multiple children from previous marriages, who come together to make a very large blended family of step-siblings and all the hilarity that brings. Growing up in Illinois with my

family, I often felt that it was a mirror of the Ball-Fonda brood in that movie as our family comprised a couple from Mom's first marriage, three from her second, two from Dad's first and then my little brother and I. Yesterday, March 3^rd, my younger brother celebrated his birthday and also brought the passing of one of my elder sisters. I was raised up with two older step-brothers and a step-sister in the house since as far back as I can remember, but my older step-sisters from my Father's previous marriage and my Mother's first marriage were only in our lives part-time, if that. We would visit them when my parents took us to Missouri to visit his parents. But I was not really raised up with them. However, Elizabeth, the sister that passed yesterday, had been in my life since my childhood, again off and on.                                  

When I was between 3 and 5 years old, my family lived in

California. My sister Liz lived there too for a bit. She was the babysitter my parents used for me when they had to work. We left California in 1975 and settled in Illinois and it was not long before Elizabeth moved to Illinois. She had been married when she was in California and had two daughters. Circumstances brought her to Illinois with her new man and they lived not far from where we lived. She was a semi-constant sister in my life from then on. My other older sisters I only saw once, maybe three times a year and usually around the holidays. But Lizzie Belle (as I called her when I was little) was always around it seemed. She was the cool older sister. The hippie-esque older sister. She believed in ghosts. She told stories of the impossible and the mystical. She really helped contribute to my interest in weird subjects and the metaphysical nature of existence.

Over the decades, Elizabeth had more children and I tried, especially as a young soldier, to visit bringing toys and interact with my nieces and nephews, always excited to visit with my sister too. She somehow saw the joy in everything when she was younger. I know as life wore on, as challenges were faced and surmounted, things became less joyful. Life was not kind, it rarely is as we age. She lost her daughter, Samantha, and her other children faced their own adult-style challenges. But she loved her family. She relished in her role as Mother, Grandmother, and even Great Grandmother. She faced medical issues. As there is no cure for aging, as there is no option to getting older and time taking its toll on us physically, she also faced these challenges as best she could. She had family that loved her, and still love her and her memory, but there was not much anyone could do when it came to issues that she faced medically. And yesterday, finally, she left this world. I know, in my heart, she left this world better than she found it. She left behind family that will be forever impacted by her mere presence in this world. Her laughter, her smile, her joking nature, her fascination with the odd and weird things this world holds, everything my sister touched was impacted by her existence.

Soon it will be time for all of us. Life is like a rollercoaster and every rollercoaster ride comes to an end. This is inevitable. There is no getting out of it. There is no making a deal with anyone or anything that will save us from the final walk alone into the unknown beyond death. Some believe we ascend to Heaven or descend into Hell depending on our life's choices. Some believe we are reincarnated and spend eternity trying to fix mistakes of our past. Some people just believe it is all over and there is nothing after our deaths. Personally, I hold no such ideas and accept the fact that I can guess but will not know until that final day. On that final day, we can only hope to be prepared. We can only hope that we have made our final arrangements or set up plans for what we would like done after we have gone. Hopefully we have set up things to help the grieving of our loved ones. Hopefully we have reached a place where we are good with what we have done or made peace with the bad times and good times. Because it will come for all of us. Each time I lose a family member or other loved one, I hope that they were as prepared as they could be for that final walk. Each time, I pray that their families, the folks that loved them even more than I, are comforted in their grief as they have their memories, they have the good times to remember and they know the world was better for having their loved one in it. One day each of us will be leaving this world and try to leave it a little better than you found it.

My sister passed away with no life insurance. No plans were made, as far as I know, to pay for her final expenses and as such one of her granddaughters has set up a GoFundMe page to help pay these final costs. If you are able, please donate $5 or $10, whatever you can afford.  It would be appreciated.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/a7tqh-memorial-funds?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link-tip&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet 

Who Wants to Read It?

22 years ago I finished a novel, well actually like my third to be perfectly honest; but did nothing with it.  A few years earlier I had been working at a local radio station in the front office when I proposed to a disc jockey there that was friendly towards me that I could conduct and interview a few of the surviving members of the famous Six Gallery Poetry event [writer's note:  If you do not know, who was involved, or what that meant for the creative world,the social structure, the birth of what was to come in the proceeding decades, well, look it up; you know Gaagle, Ting, Waho search, hell Ask Jeeves for all I care.}  .. Well, I spoke with Gary Snyder through a letter, and now Buddhist Monk Philip Whalen, Jack Kerouac as long dead, but Ray Manzarak, yes, the Ray Manzarek from The Doors had sent a nice CD of his latest work with and poet Michael McClure and two that actually agreed to be fully interviewed; one was Allen Ginsburg, the genius poet who famous "How" poem caused a major victory for the writer's ability to be unabashedly honest and profane, if need be, in the pursuit of capturing or commenting on the human condition.  

The 2nd person that agreed to a taped interview was the man behind the famous City Lights Book Store in California (again, Gaggles it if you have to), Mister Lawrence Ferlinghetti, a man that turned 100 years old just yesterday.  When I told him I was hoping to be a potential writer his advice was to 1) write daily 2) then put it away in a drawer for 10 years and then 3) A decade later take it out and read it.  Took his message to mean that we can put it down in the moment, Kerouac-style, but to let time pass, let yourself grow emotionally, mentally, through experience and THEN examine what you created through the filter of that wisdom and then proceed.

Around that time as a potential writer, trying to emulate styles & new ways of creating.  I had completed several novels & since this one:  The Mad Road, I continue to have write many more, all ready to be released, but I was scared. People said I had talent,but people will tell you anything typically to save your feelings and my youthful age gave way to LIFE; marriage, children, family, loss, BUT now I need to know if people really do want to read it or some of the others.  

Over the decades I have sent articles, sample chapters, poems, prose, reviews and agents, always being politely told, thank you but no thank you and  in the Digital Age I adapted and wrote for plenty of places for paltry pennies,but pay all the same.  I just need to know if you would pay say $8 to read this 22 year old novel that has never been read by a single soul now?

Comment or send a message saying you would.  You would not, cannot, and will not be held to that saying "Yes it Should Be Read" vote in any way. You ain't got to send your whole name but I would like to know where you are from, please, and let me know.  After 6 months if have not received a substantial number of people saying they would read it, then I will put it back in the trunk and maybe wait another decade or two.  

Thanks for reading this to the end (Hopefully you did not zone out earlier, but if you stayed, appreciate it.

Why? Answers for ToNow

Personally I like to keep most of my "real" life private; I try not to lie in my day-today life, but sometimes, I tell tall tales of my past adventures or wind people up with fanciful stories.

I have always wanted to be a respected, loved, and inspirational leader, a living example to both youth & other adults. I volunteer 26/8 - Twenty-Six hours a day, 8 days a week. I give my all. Not perfect, by any stretch, but I Do My Best, as I teach our youth to do in Life.

Last year, after a few years of dealing with some unknown medical conditions on my own, I decided to return to the VA clinics and doctors, most of whom I have never placed much faith in. Having been a patient of 3 Different VA Hospitals, 1 Clinic, VA Docs on a rotating schedule and not satisfied with their factory-like treatment of veterans; I was not eager to seek a their help or a diagnosis. Regrettably, I got what I asked for, the diagnosis; among other issues some spots on my lungs and some severe breathing problems were the issue along with a few other problem areas. 

These have not prevented me from taking part in scouting adventures or taking high adventure trips going where most folks don't ever get to see and having experiences most don't get to experience and, although sometimes short of wind, I persevered.

Recently I was put on medications as things are not improving. Still these things will not end me. Yes, I am curbing my smoking however there may be a link to the Oil Well Fires, Burn Pits, and other factors from Desert Storm. Still the smoking does not help. We will wait for the next doctor appointments & tests but I wanted to let you all know instead of keeping this private because I am out in the public as a Scout leader and as a member of our community.  I wanted everyone to know, when you sense or think there are changes in my behavior, well there is a reason.

If I seem to take longer. If I seem to be tired. If I am sleeping more than usual. If my memory is not the best. Please do not think it is me being lazy, or just getting old. I am dealing with these medical issues, please be understanding. I believe in never letting people see you sweat, so I will keep my spirits up, especially in front of our youth & most the world, but remember sometimes behind the clown make-up is the saddest person in the world.  I may be sad inside, but it is because this fight will be the fight for my life.  Please none of that "my sympathies" or "I just read, sorry to hear" kind of stuff.  If you have taken the time to read this, then you obviously care.  No need to verbalize it.  Next time we see each other, a little nod of the head, a gentle smile, a "I hope things are getting better for you"...that is fine.  But no sympathy.  No tears.  (As if) And please, let us just continue as normal, or as close to normal as you get with me.  BUT I wanted everyone to know so that even though I pretend your opinions of me do not bother me, I never want anyone to think I am lazy or putting forth less than my best effort.  Just right now, my best effort is not good enough by my standards.  Let us live in the ToNow, the Today Right Now...Tomorrow is never a guarantee. 

The Cat

The Cat
by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

The cat
licks its paw and
lies down in
the bookshelf nook
She
can lie in a
sphinx position
without moving for so
many hours
and then turn her head
to me and
rise and stretch
and turn
her back to me and
lick her paw again as if
no real time had passed
It hasn't
and she is the sphinx with
all the time in the world
in the desert of her time
The cat
knows where flies die
sees ghosts in the motes of air
and shadows in sunbeams
She hears
the music of the spheres and
the hum in the wires of the houses
and the hum of the universe
in interstellar spaces
but
prefers domestic places
and the hum of the heater

What Grinds My Gears - Volume 1

Complaints abound and with the Digital Age upon us, those complaints have been given a broader voice.  The Digital Age has also given mouthpiece to our hatreds, our vile nature which we, as a species not too far removed from our Neanderthal ancestors, typically keep hidden beneath the surface of our public personas, some not too far beneath the surface and some have dug a little deeper to hide, spilling out, that part we have kept from the public now we give voice to with the relative anonymity we foolishly believe the Digital Age has provided us, however you should know that there is no anonymity on the InterWeb.  You are logged. You are being measured. You are being dulled into a sense of calm and peace, despite the vile nature some may use the InterWeb to spread...even that action, the commentary Westworld, the HBO series, I believe is trying to show, for instance, we are giving up our humanity for a false sense of security, privacy, isolation...as if we think if we stay indoors with our electronic friends, our artificial intelligence to play our music, videos, sharing some of the most asine, ridiculous things the most mundane minutiae and making celebrities of the freaks and castoffs, some much worse than those nobody Hungarian sisters who parlayed being models into bonafide celebrities with television and film deals much like the vapid spawn of a lawyer and marketing genius not afraid to whore out her children into psuedo celebrity.

BUT that is the Problem -- That is What Really Grinds My Gears; I am as Guilty as the rest of Humanity that Sickens me at times.  Most of the time. From the self-important unemployed scrapper driving their $300 car bound together with Duct Tape, Bailing Wire and Gorilla Glue around town with their $400 gold colored cell phone plastered to their ear talking to their fellow scrappers and trying to score to the Government employee taking liberties with their secretaries and wasting public funds on expensive trips, home remodeling, and abortions for their mistress.  The pseudo Military veteran trying to cash in on his Special Forces style trainings, while never having served in that capacity in actual combat and possessing none of the honor or integrity embarrassing the population sworn to protect and serve. Celebrity has even permeated into our Politics but this is nothing new. We Humans put forth to Lead us the Alphas. In Film, In Television, In Days of Radio even, and now in the Digital Age, there are Stars and there are Extras.  Most of Us are Extras...even when we are Alphas in our own private Circles, but in Life we are Extras. Those who stand out, they are exalted above all others. But in Celebrity, we seek out those Popular and then ask them to Lead us. Why? Are we Insane? A General, whose promotions at first depend on their hard work as Officers but after a while depend on the hard work of many, many others, when the Wars are won, we ask them to run for Office. The Public, used to seeing the name in Headlines as the Champion of our People and Protector of the Faith, then next thing you know, Whoops there you have it.  A Grant, An Eisenhower and before long, with Television and Films, then we end up with a Reagan. For some The One and Only Ronald Wilson Reagan, and best no one ever speak ill of this ICON, albeit mediocre actor. And now, with the current record holder as OLDEST person ever elected President (side note: Anyone know the youngest person ever to be President? It is all in the wording...answer in the comments if you care to know.), a mediocre businessman, which roughly translates to snake oil salesman with severe mental illness issues due to his upbringing and the environment he was raised in. It's not really his fault.  You know? Consider how he was raised and consider how he believes the World works. The only reassuring thing, if our nation survives nuclear annihilation at the hands of this manchild, is that soon another wild choice for President will be chosen to lead us and perhaps, just perhaps, we can emerge from this new Dark Age === A Dark Digital Age where the Gears are being Ground More and More.

What Can We Do?  Unplug. Walk in the Park.  Plant and Tend some Flowers.  Volunteer to coach Little League or to just help set up the field or keep Score in your Community League.  Spend some Time TALKING to your Family but Do it FACE to FACE and not Facetime to Facetime or Snapchatz to Snapchatters.  Don't take your Phone. Your Babies hate them. They Want you. Do not give your phone to your child so they can play games to placate them as you have to wait and the doctor's office or prison waiting room to see your husbands.  ENGAGE with your Child, Directly. Raise your children. And do NOT get me started on taking responsibility and keeping your guns safely away from your little children or even older ones if you notice them drawing a lot of pictures of their fellow students dead in a rain of gunfire.  THAT IS WHAT I CALL A WARNING SIGN. But you, as a Parent, cannot see that if your nose is stuck in your PHONES all the time. I mean, really...stop reading this, put your damn phone down and go outside or talk to your kid. Now. Jeez. You wanna know What Grinds My Gears? People lIke You.  Go On now. I mean it. Okay, you're right, I'm still writing too. I'm Out until next time.

2018 is Here

Greeting the New Year .... just Five months late.

Social Media Christmas

https://youtu.be/NMyl-nT7Nrw