Why? Answers for ToNow

Personally I like to keep most of my "real" life private; I try not to lie in my day-today life, but sometimes, I tell tall tales of my past adventures or wind people up with fanciful stories.

I have always wanted to be a respected, loved, and inspirational leader, a living example to both youth & other adults. I volunteer 26/8 - Twenty-Six hours a day, 8 days a week. I give my all. Not perfect, by any stretch, but I Do My Best, as I teach our youth to do in Life.

Last year, after a few years of dealing with some unknown medical conditions on my own, I decided to return to the VA clinics and doctors, most of whom I have never placed much faith in. Having been a patient of 3 Different VA Hospitals, 1 Clinic, VA Docs on a rotating schedule and not satisfied with their factory-like treatment of veterans; I was not eager to seek a their help or a diagnosis. Regrettably, I got what I asked for, the diagnosis; among other issues some spots on my lungs and some severe breathing problems were the issue along with a few other problem areas. 

These have not prevented me from taking part in scouting adventures or taking high adventure trips going where most folks don't ever get to see and having experiences most don't get to experience and, although sometimes short of wind, I persevered.

Recently I was put on medications as things are not improving. Still these things will not end me. Yes, I am curbing my smoking however there may be a link to the Oil Well Fires, Burn Pits, and other factors from Desert Storm. Still the smoking does not help. We will wait for the next doctor appointments & tests but I wanted to let you all know instead of keeping this private because I am out in the public as a Scout leader and as a member of our community.  I wanted everyone to know, when you sense or think there are changes in my behavior, well there is a reason.

If I seem to take longer. If I seem to be tired. If I am sleeping more than usual. If my memory is not the best. Please do not think it is me being lazy, or just getting old. I am dealing with these medical issues, please be understanding. I believe in never letting people see you sweat, so I will keep my spirits up, especially in front of our youth & most the world, but remember sometimes behind the clown make-up is the saddest person in the world.  I may be sad inside, but it is because this fight will be the fight for my life.  Please none of that "my sympathies" or "I just read, sorry to hear" kind of stuff.  If you have taken the time to read this, then you obviously care.  No need to verbalize it.  Next time we see each other, a little nod of the head, a gentle smile, a "I hope things are getting better for you"...that is fine.  But no sympathy.  No tears.  (As if) And please, let us just continue as normal, or as close to normal as you get with me.  BUT I wanted everyone to know so that even though I pretend your opinions of me do not bother me, I never want anyone to think I am lazy or putting forth less than my best effort.  Just right now, my best effort is not good enough by my standards.  Let us live in the ToNow, the Today Right Now...Tomorrow is never a guarantee. 

The Cat

The Cat
by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

The cat
licks its paw and
lies down in
the bookshelf nook
She
can lie in a
sphinx position
without moving for so
many hours
and then turn her head
to me and
rise and stretch
and turn
her back to me and
lick her paw again as if
no real time had passed
It hasn't
and she is the sphinx with
all the time in the world
in the desert of her time
The cat
knows where flies die
sees ghosts in the motes of air
and shadows in sunbeams
She hears
the music of the spheres and
the hum in the wires of the houses
and the hum of the universe
in interstellar spaces
but
prefers domestic places
and the hum of the heater

What Grinds My Gears - Volume 1

Complaints abound and with the Digital Age upon us, those complaints have been given a broader voice.  The Digital Age has also given mouthpiece to our hatreds, our vile nature which we, as a species not too far removed from our Neanderthal ancestors, typically keep hidden beneath the surface of our public personas, some not too far beneath the surface and some have dug a little deeper to hide, spilling out, that part we have kept from the public now we give voice to with the relative anonymity we foolishly believe the Digital Age has provided us, however you should know that there is no anonymity on the InterWeb.  You are logged. You are being measured. You are being dulled into a sense of calm and peace, despite the vile nature some may use the InterWeb to spread...even that action, the commentary Westworld, the HBO series, I believe is trying to show, for instance, we are giving up our humanity for a false sense of security, privacy, isolation...as if we think if we stay indoors with our electronic friends, our artificial intelligence to play our music, videos, sharing some of the most asine, ridiculous things the most mundane minutiae and making celebrities of the freaks and castoffs, some much worse than those nobody Hungarian sisters who parlayed being models into bonafide celebrities with television and film deals much like the vapid spawn of a lawyer and marketing genius not afraid to whore out her children into psuedo celebrity.

BUT that is the Problem -- That is What Really Grinds My Gears; I am as Guilty as the rest of Humanity that Sickens me at times.  Most of the time. From the self-important unemployed scrapper driving their $300 car bound together with Duct Tape, Bailing Wire and Gorilla Glue around town with their $400 gold colored cell phone plastered to their ear talking to their fellow scrappers and trying to score to the Government employee taking liberties with their secretaries and wasting public funds on expensive trips, home remodeling, and abortions for their mistress.  The pseudo Military veteran trying to cash in on his Special Forces style trainings, while never having served in that capacity in actual combat and possessing none of the honor or integrity embarrassing the population sworn to protect and serve. Celebrity has even permeated into our Politics but this is nothing new. We Humans put forth to Lead us the Alphas. In Film, In Television, In Days of Radio even, and now in the Digital Age, there are Stars and there are Extras.  Most of Us are Extras...even when we are Alphas in our own private Circles, but in Life we are Extras. Those who stand out, they are exalted above all others. But in Celebrity, we seek out those Popular and then ask them to Lead us. Why? Are we Insane? A General, whose promotions at first depend on their hard work as Officers but after a while depend on the hard work of many, many others, when the Wars are won, we ask them to run for Office. The Public, used to seeing the name in Headlines as the Champion of our People and Protector of the Faith, then next thing you know, Whoops there you have it.  A Grant, An Eisenhower and before long, with Television and Films, then we end up with a Reagan. For some The One and Only Ronald Wilson Reagan, and best no one ever speak ill of this ICON, albeit mediocre actor. And now, with the current record holder as OLDEST person ever elected President (side note: Anyone know the youngest person ever to be President? It is all in the wording...answer in the comments if you care to know.), a mediocre businessman, which roughly translates to snake oil salesman with severe mental illness issues due to his upbringing and the environment he was raised in. It's not really his fault.  You know? Consider how he was raised and consider how he believes the World works. The only reassuring thing, if our nation survives nuclear annihilation at the hands of this manchild, is that soon another wild choice for President will be chosen to lead us and perhaps, just perhaps, we can emerge from this new Dark Age === A Dark Digital Age where the Gears are being Ground More and More.

What Can We Do?  Unplug. Walk in the Park.  Plant and Tend some Flowers.  Volunteer to coach Little League or to just help set up the field or keep Score in your Community League.  Spend some Time TALKING to your Family but Do it FACE to FACE and not Facetime to Facetime or Snapchatz to Snapchatters.  Don't take your Phone. Your Babies hate them. They Want you. Do not give your phone to your child so they can play games to placate them as you have to wait and the doctor's office or prison waiting room to see your husbands.  ENGAGE with your Child, Directly. Raise your children. And do NOT get me started on taking responsibility and keeping your guns safely away from your little children or even older ones if you notice them drawing a lot of pictures of their fellow students dead in a rain of gunfire.  THAT IS WHAT I CALL A WARNING SIGN. But you, as a Parent, cannot see that if your nose is stuck in your PHONES all the time. I mean, really...stop reading this, put your damn phone down and go outside or talk to your kid. Now. Jeez. You wanna know What Grinds My Gears? People lIke You.  Go On now. I mean it. Okay, you're right, I'm still writing too. I'm Out until next time.

2018 is Here

Greeting the New Year .... just Five months late.